I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize