Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
