Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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