plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
