apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
