but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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