saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
