I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
