Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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