Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize