you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
