The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
