bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
