Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
