you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
