Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
