there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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