How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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