I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The ass gains better be worth it
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
