Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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