I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
