I just saw a hot homeless man
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
