We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
