and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
