just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
