Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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