we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You are the jesus of drinking
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
