Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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