there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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