wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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