Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
