I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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