So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize