Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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