i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
