Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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