this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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