I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
