I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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