You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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