I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
