Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
