I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize