this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
