There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
