Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
