She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
