Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If I die, sorry about rent.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
