Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
