i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
