We're facebook friends in real life
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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