I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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