Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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