I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
