non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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