You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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