just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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