Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
