I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
