It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
