Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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